Self-criticism. It’s strange… I have all these expectations for what I should do, and how I should do it. I don’t hold others up to these expectations.

Homeschooling my daughter is more challenging than I had ever thought it would be. Especially now that she has graduated from imitating chimpanzee to idea-generating human. Nothing I have said has convinced her that, though yes, she can draw letters backwards, writing them backwards won’t prepare her for reading and writing words and sentences. And I think she knows that I don’t know what I’m talking about. Because I don’t. It would seem more useful to learn to write the letters correctly the first time. But she has turned drawing letters into a matter of personal expression (or perhaps I have).

Anyway, that’s just one of the many things I hate myself for not being able to figure out. I’m so afraid my ignorance is going to fuck this up for her. Conversely, I’m concerned that never being satisfied with my performance (at anything), is probably more detrimental to her than my lack of expertise in the area of early childhood development. I don’t want to pass my neuroses on to her.

So, I have to learn how to be satisfied with the best I can do. Sounds good, but I honestly believe that my daughter deserves better the best that I can do. Except when I start remembering that what I have to teach her are concepts, not facts. She doesn’t have to pass a test. She just needs to be able to recognize patterns, ask the right questions, and develop her natural curiosity. And maybe she’s right… maybe it doesn’t matter whether you draw the circle of the lowercase “a” clockwise or counter-clockwise. But it’s the not knowing that scares the fuck out of me.