Ended class last night on a failure. That fucks with me. But something that’s been playing out in my head for months (ok, years) was finally pulled out and shown to me from a new perspective.

I’ve been setting unreasonable goals with no clearly defined, attainable end. And then when I see that I am not producing calculable results, I sink into self-loathing and depression. So last night, with 5 or 10 minutes left, our karate instructor decided to have us do jumping jacks, sit-ups and push-ups till the end of class. I couldn’t do them all. I was so fucking angry at him for setting a goal I had no chance of reaching. And a bit surprised that I was the only one that was angry. Violently angry. Of course, I think I was the only one that couldn’t do it. I was the farthest behind, anyway.

Ok, so, yeah, I see the pattern. Well, the open-ended goal => failure => anger bit anyway. I did notice that I was the only one plotting vengeance. I’m not sure why it fucks with me so much, or how to make it stop. So I’ll keep watching for patterns till I figure it out.